The Wonderful Rhett Price

My friend Rhett is an amazing violinist and saxaphonist. Here is proof of how amazing he is. It may just be the sax, but he truely is amazing!!

The Paradox that is Love

What the crap fruitcake!? I try to make conversation with you. I try to be the nice one here. Do you listen when I talk to you? Do you even want me around? The way I see it, the answer is NO!!! From the way you act, to the way you let our conversations die, it seems to me that you don't give a shit care. (excuse me) I get it that you want your space, I get it that sometimes you don't want to talk. But by golly when you text me and I text you back you had better make a frakkin effort to talk. Unless you're just trying you be a doucher. (hah!) I may sound like a jerk, but you're the one not making an effort here. You're my bestfriend (or so I thought) and from everything you've told me, I'm yours too. Am I really? Or are you just leading me on, using me, then going to get rid of me like all the other girls in your life? I've heard that you don't speak highly of me, you don't speak well of me. Why is that? Are you ashamed to know me? Are you really that shallow that you can't even tell your other friends about me? Where's the love here? Why do you always tell me that you love me and that you want to be with me, but when I even talk about us dating you always blow it off or stop texting? I can handle the let down of you telling me the truth. If you don't think we should date I'm perfectly fine with that. Just tell me. That's all I'm asking. Honesty is the key here. If we're not honest with each other then how are things ever going to work? So why don't we talk anymore what's happened? No one ever hears from you anymore but those who actually live near you or those other people you don't hang with at camp. WTH!? Why does that happen? What's up with that? (Gah boy you irritate me so frakkin much.) So my solution, which I've been saying for two months or more now, is to ignore you and give it to God. (I just hope that I can actually keep with my word this time.) So starting now I am not talking to you unless it's a life or death situation. (Phew! I'm glad I got that out of the way.) But really I don't know what to do anymore. You're always on my mind and I don't want you to be. I recently came across some knowledge that makes me think this: I really want to be with you, yet I don't want to be around you at all. You make me smile and I always have great moments with you, but you also make me sick. You make me want to go sit in a corner and cry for several hours. It's the honest truth. Both sides are true. I want you and I don't want you. I love you and I don't love you. How do these two sides co-exist? Go read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. I am so confused right now that I want to sleep for days or just run away. Looks like I have a lot to think about.

What the Bean Sprout?!

A friend of mine came into town for the weekend because he has an audition at the college. He texted me up asking if I wanted to hang out. Not knowing if I had any plans I asked my dad about it and he said I'd have to see what he wanted to do, my friend that is not my dad. So I ask him what we'd be doing and he never texted me back. I sat and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Over four hours later I finally get a reply. "Mom and I are eating." Loud sigh. This tells me nothing. So I asked if he knew what he was doing after words. He didn't. We talked a little longer and then he said that he would let me know when he finds out. Now it's been yet another hour and still nothing. Do you think I'm blowing this way out of proportion? Should I just calm down and not let it bother me?

WHAT THE BEAN SPROUT?!

Don't End Up Like Edward Cullen

You initiated the conversation and yet you don't want to talk? What's up with that? I mean I can understand not knowing that you were about to have to do something when you start to chat, but knowingly leaving the conversation. That's a little rude, don'tcha think? Actually you probably don't, but that's okay because you're better than us all. You never carry on a conversation. The only responses I ever get are: Heh., Haha, Yeah, Oh. Ok., :-), :-/, :-(, or the occasional, How are you? after you say Hi and I reply with Hello. Does this seem normal to you? Does it seem normal to anyone? The conversation always dies after I tell him how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. Is it really that much to bother even knowing how/what I'm doing? If you don't care then why even ask me? (haha this has a lot of questions in it. Rhetorical ones of course. :P ) If you don't care enought to actually talk to me, yet you inform me that you A.) miss me, B.) can't wait to see me, and C.) hope to get "alone time" with me. Which frankly, I'm not stupid enough to go off alone with you. Public places are great for meetings with old friends that you haven't seen in two years. Plus it will be on a band trip and I'm not exactly sure how much "alone time" I'm even going to get. More then likely I'm either going to be hanging out with my ensemble members, or friends from other schools that I never get to see outside of band camp, region/area, and solo/ensemble. Just thought that I'd let you know because you don't seem to be able to get that through your thick skull to what you'd like to think is your brain. (Sorry hun, but I think that you play too many video games for my liking. Get out and smell the irl flowers every now and again. Sunlight is good for you! Don't end up like Edward Cullen. (even though you actually like the "Twilight" series) He's not a good role model you know.) I like you as a friend and all, but we're never going to be more than that. Sorry to break it to you. Though you are very capable of getting a nice girl in your town or other around you. Oh wait! You already have. Silly me. Why didn't I think of that? Must have slipped my mind. Just like I do unless my status says "online" and you actually think about talking to me. Even though the conversations NEVER get far. What I've learned from being friends with you is simply this: You're not much of a talker. I get that. But you make me feel like I'm egotistical because I only talk about myself, my problems, and you never talk at all. Well my dear, here is your chance to say something. Anything. I just want to have a normal person conversation with you. I guess the electronic way of doing it isn't the "right" way of doing it. When we were together at camp a few summers ago we talked all the time. :/ -sigh- Oh well. I hope you plan to work on this in the future. You're a great friend, but if we never talk, well, that's a problem now isn't it?

Homesick.

Stayed home sick today. Looks like the allergies and stress finally caught up with me. So laying on the couch got me thinking. "Is it bad when you're best friend breaks up with you over a text?" I mean it's not like we were dating or anything, but he just said that he wanted me to back off. Give him space. He wants his privacy. He said that he just wants to be left alone with his own thoughts and stuff. He then goes on to say that he cares about me and that he loves me, and that this is him time right now, and that when he's ready he'd call or text. I'm going on two days without talking to him. Now I know what you may be thinking, "Katt, why are you telling me about your boy problems?" Well, it's not that I'm having boy problems, and it's not that I care that he wants his space and whatnot. All I'm saying is that I don't quite understand it. He's a really good kid deep down there somewhere in whatever chasm he has for a heart and soul. Looks like I'll be going without my "bestfriend" (who I guess isn't really my best friend at all.) I'll keep you upto date about how things are going without him. (And you -boy who I will not name- if you are reading this, sorry but I have to vent somewhere because I can't talk to you about anything.)

Dear Friend.

Dear Friend, or so I though.
Why must you play me like a game?
Forever I though you loved me.
Guess I was wrong.
You've lied to my face.
Several times for that matter.
You've cheated on my best friend.
You've even said you loved me.

Was it true?
Is it true?
Do you really love me,
or was it just a ploy to get inside my head?
Get inside my heart?
To make me tell you things.
Things that no one else but you and I know?

Are you honest?
I'd like to hope so.
Do deserve my love?
I'd like to think so.
But recently you've been distant.
You haven't talked to me.
You haven't answered my questions.

I'm not mad at you.
Disappointed?
Yes.
I am very disappointed.

Why didn't you tell me?
Why haven't you talked to me?
If you had just been honest.
If you had just told me the truth.
I wouldn't have to write this.
I wouldn't have these feelings inside.

I've cried every night.
Because I wish.
I just wish for one simple thing.

That thing being your friendship.
The friendship that we had that summer.
That summer at camp when nothing got us down.
That summer of sitting on the stairs talking.
Just talking about anything and everything.

I miss those days.
I miss the old you.
The you I fell in love with.
Not the you that you've become.

You used to be my best friend.
And now you've made me rethink that.
Rethink my past.
Rethink everything I've ever told you.
And everything that ever happend when we were together.

I want to believe that you're still that person.
I want to believe that you still care.
That you still want to be with me.
That you still have a soul as to know right and wrong.
But has that left along with all sense of reason?
Has that left with all the compassion that you had?

Why must you torture me so?
What did I ever do to you?
Nothing.
That's what.
I never did anything.

Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Maybe I should have been there more.
Maybe I should have called more.
Been more persistant.

But that's not who I am.
I'm not the kind of girl to be too pushy.
I may not be the most beautiful.
Or even the most talented.
But I thought that you could look past all that.
Past all my mistakes.
Past all my flaws.
But honestly, I don't find this true anymore.

Do you want our friendship to end?
Cuz that's what it looks like to me.
I wanted things to work out.
I really did.
But looks like you don't.
So this is the end.

If I'm wrong.
Please correct me.
I just need to know that you still care.
That you're not just some douche who doesn't care.
Be honest with me.
That's all I ever wanted.

Is that what I'll get?
I don't know.
I hope and pray it is.
But only you know.

So for now.
I shall just wait for an honest answer.
Will I get it?
Will you care enough to say anything at all?
We shall see.

This week has gotten me thinking. "What would happen if I just stopped talking to people? Like, not just online, but texting and phone calls too?" I kind of want to try this little experiment, but currently I am trying to retrust a friend, keep updated on friends in the hospital, an a multitude of other things. At some point in my life I will do this. I will make this challenge happen. I would like to challenge you to do the same. Start a blog/vlog about the hardships of it all and how you're coping with the non-talkage of people. (Is non-talkage even a word?)

Now onto other things.

I've been getting questions about why I started this blog. The answer is simple. I started this blog to help relieve my feelings, like with stuff that I don't feel comfortable telling people. I also started vloging. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's live bloging only with videos. If you want to keep up with what I'm doing (other than when I post a blog) then here's the link for you: http://www.youtube.com/PerceptionsOfMe I hope you enjoy it.

This is just a little update for you guys (for those who actually read this and care what I say! haha). I hope that you have enjoyed it! I shall update later.

P.S. I've decided to put all my little side thoughts and actions in italics. I think it makes more sence. :)

Off Course

As of late, I have been having issues with a friend of mine. Now normally we don't have any problems, but lately he hasn't been telling me everything. Yes I know that he doesn't have to tell me everything, but being honest with me when I ask questions is atleast a start. He's entiteled to his privacy, but we're supposed to be best friends, right? Well that's what I thought.

Monday night I had left a status on facebook about me not saying everything that I wanted to when talking to him, and another friend of mine commented telling me to text him about it and let him know what was going on. So of course I did. He's such a sweet kid, and I love him to death; therefore, I trust him with my personal life and my problems. After telling him what was going on, he simply said this: "Well, know this, no matter what, I'll always love you, just thought I'd say that :)" He really is a sweet kid. By that time it was like eleven something at night and I needed sleep. Not that that's what I got. Stupid insomnia and thoughts running through my mind kept me awake.

Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from the same friend. He said that he loved me more than words or music could express and that I didn't need to forget that. Then he asked about who I was talking to that had me so upset. So I told him. He then told me that he knew who I was talking about and then asked me if I knew a certain girl. -not naming any names so you won't know who I'm talking about- I had to admit that I didn't know her personally, but did know who she was. He informed me that the guy in question was dating her. I just sat there in the band hallway with a sad yet puzzled look on my face. Was this true? I thought as I sat there amidst the other band kids. I mean yes he (the "guy in question") had lied to me before about who he was dating and a lot of other stuff, but would he really lie about THIS?! I was befuddled. So I just texted my friend back and said something like, "What?! Since when? Cuz I was under the impression that he was dating someone else." What a way to spend a morning before band.

Now when lunch came about I texted said person we were talking about. He said that he didn't know what I was talking about, so I didn't press the issue. Honestly all I wanted was an honest answer, no matter how much it hurt to hear. That's all I ever want from him. Just an answer to everything. Everything that he does, and everything that needs to be answered. How hard is that, really?

Anyway, he didn't own up to anything that I asked him, so I gave up. I am quite upset about that, but if he wants to keep things from me, then so be it. That just means that we're most likely not going to be as good of friends as we used to be. I used to tell him everything and he used to do the same. Now, I'm lucky if I get a "Hey" or "Hello" from him like once a month. It makes me sad that we've drifted apart. I sincerely hope that our friendship get renewed soon. I keep praying about it, and I know that God will do what he sees fit for the relationship.

There was quite a bit more that I wanted to say before the paragraph that you just read, but I was a little distracted. -heh- But, this is just one short little aspect of my week that definitely didn't go as planned. I haven't been able to sleep very well because of the whole situation and I've had this nagging feeling deep in my gut. But I shall definitely get everything resolved soon. The guy in question said that all I had to do was give him some time, and then he'd have answers for me. My first thought was, "Hah that's what you said last time you and your girlfriend broke up." But we shall see. I bet he's probably trying to come up with some elaborate lie to tell me that he knows I'll believe. Gosh, I am so stupid to believe him every time! -face desk- Ugh! I even promised myself that I wouldn't do that. -sigh-

Yes, that has been part of my week, or I guess mostly a major issue that's been going on for the last thirteen months of my life. -oh wow, how lame and I?-

As of Late

Well, I have recently come to the conclusion that there are many sides to a person. (Well I guess it wasn't really that recent, but it looks like I've rediscovered that fact.) The way they are when they are alone, how they are when others are around, or even how they are around different people.

For instance, I have a friend that's a little girl crazy, or at least he always has girls around him, and it always seems that he's flirting with each and every one of them. So at camp this last summer I noticed that whenever it was just him and I alone he was one way, then when we were in a group he was another way, and when I'd see him alone he'd act another way. So which one is the real him? Will I ever know? I mean I love him to death. Probably more than he'll ever know, but still. He's not the same person around everyone. I just want to know how he really is. Okay so a little off topic. He just doesn't have the same personality around me as he does when he's with other people. I don't know what it is. Is there just something that I don't know about that I should? Or is it something else?Please tell me these things!! I NEED to know!!

Even when we're talking on the phone, there's just something between us that I sense. He's quiet for long periods of time. I hardly talk, and when I do I always feel like I'm talking too much. I don't know if it's just me that feels that way, but I do. I guess it could just be me and my self consciousness, but who knows better than the people I talk to via telephono! (Hah, nice use of Spanish there. :P)

So a text was just sent to a few people that I talk to on the phone and so far one answer: No not at all.

Looks like at least one person doesn't think so.

I guess it's just me that does. I mean I try not to talk a whole lot, but sometimes I just need someone to listen to me about my rantings. Hmm... I guess that's what this blog is for. Not only can I get everything out at one time, but I can get it out and not be interrupted. So I don't know. I'm not much of a phone talker, but when people do call I guess I'm either super quiet or I think I talk too much.

So on another note. I moved stuff from my sister's storage shed today with my dad and brother-in-law. That was pretty fun, and I got a guitar out of it. So I spent most of my day after church doing that, and then when I got home I watched a lovely video that my friend Kelli posted to our joint YouTube account. For the video go to http://www.youtube.com/TenMilesUphill her's is the one in the box that says Week Two. Mine is the Week One video.

Well looks like that all I have for now. I shall update you later.

Much love from the Kattster!!

Keeping Me Alive

Why is it so hard to tell you what's on my mind? I mean it's not like it's hard to tell anyone else, just you. It's like when you're around all my worlds fall away. You make me speechless. You make me think. You make me love again. When words fail actions speak. The way I am around you, it's not the way I am. It's like when I get around you I change into a different person. I'm actually myself. I'm actually normal.

Is it that I don't trust you? Or is it that I'm just scared of the answer that you're going to give we when my questions come up? Why can't I just tell you what's on my mind? Everything is just harder with you. Things don't flow like I'd like them to.

Even though everything is a little harder with you, I still love you. You are my everything. My best friend. My other half. The peanut butter to my jelly. The bagel to my cream cheese. The duck to my water. The sun to my sky. You are everything and more. You are my everything. You are keeping me alive.

New Year?

Well it looks like it's the new year, and I don't know what to do or think. I've got no one to spend it with, and nothing to do. It's 1:41 am, as I glance down at the clock in the corner of the computer screen. The only thing that I've been doing is talking to a crush I know I can never have the chance of being with. He knows kind of how I feel about him, but not really all of it. And am I going to tell him? HECK TO THE NOO!!!! He's older than I am and things would bever ever work out for us, right now anyway. They may eventually, but definitely not right now. I mean he's a great guy, and a great friend, but the age difference is something that would not work right now.

Anyway, I've been talking to him all night, and I plan on seeing him sometime tomorrow while my friend and I film our New Year's video! That should be fun and something to keep my mind off of things.

You know how I got a journal for Christmas? Well I find that this helps me get my thoughts and emotions out a lot better than the journal. It's just so pretty and unflawed that it kind of makes me wish that I was that way. You know? Just something that's nice to look at and just perfect in every way. But that's what life is, right? Just one big journal to write in, mess up, and scribble all over. That's the way I feel sometimes. That I myself am something that people like to use and mess up, and when they're done they just toss me aside and move on to the next thing. It's like no one will ever come along to fix me, and make me feel whole again. In due time, right? Yeah, that's what people are always telling me. "You just need to wait 'til it's your time" or, "Just a little longer." Maybe I don't want to wait any longer. Maybe I want that person now! Huh. Oh well. Looks like I have to wait like everybody else.

Any who, I didn't mean to really make this a rant of a bunh of different things, but yeah I just had to get it out in the open.
But the cat is telling me it's time to go to bed, so it looks like I'm off for the night.

Good night to all!