Don't End Up Like Edward Cullen

You initiated the conversation and yet you don't want to talk? What's up with that? I mean I can understand not knowing that you were about to have to do something when you start to chat, but knowingly leaving the conversation. That's a little rude, don'tcha think? Actually you probably don't, but that's okay because you're better than us all. You never carry on a conversation. The only responses I ever get are: Heh., Haha, Yeah, Oh. Ok., :-), :-/, :-(, or the occasional, How are you? after you say Hi and I reply with Hello. Does this seem normal to you? Does it seem normal to anyone? The conversation always dies after I tell him how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. Is it really that much to bother even knowing how/what I'm doing? If you don't care then why even ask me? (haha this has a lot of questions in it. Rhetorical ones of course. :P ) If you don't care enought to actually talk to me, yet you inform me that you A.) miss me, B.) can't wait to see me, and C.) hope to get "alone time" with me. Which frankly, I'm not stupid enough to go off alone with you. Public places are great for meetings with old friends that you haven't seen in two years. Plus it will be on a band trip and I'm not exactly sure how much "alone time" I'm even going to get. More then likely I'm either going to be hanging out with my ensemble members, or friends from other schools that I never get to see outside of band camp, region/area, and solo/ensemble. Just thought that I'd let you know because you don't seem to be able to get that through your thick skull to what you'd like to think is your brain. (Sorry hun, but I think that you play too many video games for my liking. Get out and smell the irl flowers every now and again. Sunlight is good for you! Don't end up like Edward Cullen. (even though you actually like the "Twilight" series) He's not a good role model you know.) I like you as a friend and all, but we're never going to be more than that. Sorry to break it to you. Though you are very capable of getting a nice girl in your town or other around you. Oh wait! You already have. Silly me. Why didn't I think of that? Must have slipped my mind. Just like I do unless my status says "online" and you actually think about talking to me. Even though the conversations NEVER get far. What I've learned from being friends with you is simply this: You're not much of a talker. I get that. But you make me feel like I'm egotistical because I only talk about myself, my problems, and you never talk at all. Well my dear, here is your chance to say something. Anything. I just want to have a normal person conversation with you. I guess the electronic way of doing it isn't the "right" way of doing it. When we were together at camp a few summers ago we talked all the time. :/ -sigh- Oh well. I hope you plan to work on this in the future. You're a great friend, but if we never talk, well, that's a problem now isn't it?

Homesick.

Stayed home sick today. Looks like the allergies and stress finally caught up with me. So laying on the couch got me thinking. "Is it bad when you're best friend breaks up with you over a text?" I mean it's not like we were dating or anything, but he just said that he wanted me to back off. Give him space. He wants his privacy. He said that he just wants to be left alone with his own thoughts and stuff. He then goes on to say that he cares about me and that he loves me, and that this is him time right now, and that when he's ready he'd call or text. I'm going on two days without talking to him. Now I know what you may be thinking, "Katt, why are you telling me about your boy problems?" Well, it's not that I'm having boy problems, and it's not that I care that he wants his space and whatnot. All I'm saying is that I don't quite understand it. He's a really good kid deep down there somewhere in whatever chasm he has for a heart and soul. Looks like I'll be going without my "bestfriend" (who I guess isn't really my best friend at all.) I'll keep you upto date about how things are going without him. (And you -boy who I will not name- if you are reading this, sorry but I have to vent somewhere because I can't talk to you about anything.)

Dear Friend.

Dear Friend, or so I though.
Why must you play me like a game?
Forever I though you loved me.
Guess I was wrong.
You've lied to my face.
Several times for that matter.
You've cheated on my best friend.
You've even said you loved me.

Was it true?
Is it true?
Do you really love me,
or was it just a ploy to get inside my head?
Get inside my heart?
To make me tell you things.
Things that no one else but you and I know?

Are you honest?
I'd like to hope so.
Do deserve my love?
I'd like to think so.
But recently you've been distant.
You haven't talked to me.
You haven't answered my questions.

I'm not mad at you.
Disappointed?
Yes.
I am very disappointed.

Why didn't you tell me?
Why haven't you talked to me?
If you had just been honest.
If you had just told me the truth.
I wouldn't have to write this.
I wouldn't have these feelings inside.

I've cried every night.
Because I wish.
I just wish for one simple thing.

That thing being your friendship.
The friendship that we had that summer.
That summer at camp when nothing got us down.
That summer of sitting on the stairs talking.
Just talking about anything and everything.

I miss those days.
I miss the old you.
The you I fell in love with.
Not the you that you've become.

You used to be my best friend.
And now you've made me rethink that.
Rethink my past.
Rethink everything I've ever told you.
And everything that ever happend when we were together.

I want to believe that you're still that person.
I want to believe that you still care.
That you still want to be with me.
That you still have a soul as to know right and wrong.
But has that left along with all sense of reason?
Has that left with all the compassion that you had?

Why must you torture me so?
What did I ever do to you?
Nothing.
That's what.
I never did anything.

Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Maybe I should have been there more.
Maybe I should have called more.
Been more persistant.

But that's not who I am.
I'm not the kind of girl to be too pushy.
I may not be the most beautiful.
Or even the most talented.
But I thought that you could look past all that.
Past all my mistakes.
Past all my flaws.
But honestly, I don't find this true anymore.

Do you want our friendship to end?
Cuz that's what it looks like to me.
I wanted things to work out.
I really did.
But looks like you don't.
So this is the end.

If I'm wrong.
Please correct me.
I just need to know that you still care.
That you're not just some douche who doesn't care.
Be honest with me.
That's all I ever wanted.

Is that what I'll get?
I don't know.
I hope and pray it is.
But only you know.

So for now.
I shall just wait for an honest answer.
Will I get it?
Will you care enough to say anything at all?
We shall see.

This week has gotten me thinking. "What would happen if I just stopped talking to people? Like, not just online, but texting and phone calls too?" I kind of want to try this little experiment, but currently I am trying to retrust a friend, keep updated on friends in the hospital, an a multitude of other things. At some point in my life I will do this. I will make this challenge happen. I would like to challenge you to do the same. Start a blog/vlog about the hardships of it all and how you're coping with the non-talkage of people. (Is non-talkage even a word?)

Now onto other things.

I've been getting questions about why I started this blog. The answer is simple. I started this blog to help relieve my feelings, like with stuff that I don't feel comfortable telling people. I also started vloging. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's live bloging only with videos. If you want to keep up with what I'm doing (other than when I post a blog) then here's the link for you: http://www.youtube.com/PerceptionsOfMe I hope you enjoy it.

This is just a little update for you guys (for those who actually read this and care what I say! haha). I hope that you have enjoyed it! I shall update later.

P.S. I've decided to put all my little side thoughts and actions in italics. I think it makes more sence. :)

Off Course

As of late, I have been having issues with a friend of mine. Now normally we don't have any problems, but lately he hasn't been telling me everything. Yes I know that he doesn't have to tell me everything, but being honest with me when I ask questions is atleast a start. He's entiteled to his privacy, but we're supposed to be best friends, right? Well that's what I thought.

Monday night I had left a status on facebook about me not saying everything that I wanted to when talking to him, and another friend of mine commented telling me to text him about it and let him know what was going on. So of course I did. He's such a sweet kid, and I love him to death; therefore, I trust him with my personal life and my problems. After telling him what was going on, he simply said this: "Well, know this, no matter what, I'll always love you, just thought I'd say that :)" He really is a sweet kid. By that time it was like eleven something at night and I needed sleep. Not that that's what I got. Stupid insomnia and thoughts running through my mind kept me awake.

Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from the same friend. He said that he loved me more than words or music could express and that I didn't need to forget that. Then he asked about who I was talking to that had me so upset. So I told him. He then told me that he knew who I was talking about and then asked me if I knew a certain girl. -not naming any names so you won't know who I'm talking about- I had to admit that I didn't know her personally, but did know who she was. He informed me that the guy in question was dating her. I just sat there in the band hallway with a sad yet puzzled look on my face. Was this true? I thought as I sat there amidst the other band kids. I mean yes he (the "guy in question") had lied to me before about who he was dating and a lot of other stuff, but would he really lie about THIS?! I was befuddled. So I just texted my friend back and said something like, "What?! Since when? Cuz I was under the impression that he was dating someone else." What a way to spend a morning before band.

Now when lunch came about I texted said person we were talking about. He said that he didn't know what I was talking about, so I didn't press the issue. Honestly all I wanted was an honest answer, no matter how much it hurt to hear. That's all I ever want from him. Just an answer to everything. Everything that he does, and everything that needs to be answered. How hard is that, really?

Anyway, he didn't own up to anything that I asked him, so I gave up. I am quite upset about that, but if he wants to keep things from me, then so be it. That just means that we're most likely not going to be as good of friends as we used to be. I used to tell him everything and he used to do the same. Now, I'm lucky if I get a "Hey" or "Hello" from him like once a month. It makes me sad that we've drifted apart. I sincerely hope that our friendship get renewed soon. I keep praying about it, and I know that God will do what he sees fit for the relationship.

There was quite a bit more that I wanted to say before the paragraph that you just read, but I was a little distracted. -heh- But, this is just one short little aspect of my week that definitely didn't go as planned. I haven't been able to sleep very well because of the whole situation and I've had this nagging feeling deep in my gut. But I shall definitely get everything resolved soon. The guy in question said that all I had to do was give him some time, and then he'd have answers for me. My first thought was, "Hah that's what you said last time you and your girlfriend broke up." But we shall see. I bet he's probably trying to come up with some elaborate lie to tell me that he knows I'll believe. Gosh, I am so stupid to believe him every time! -face desk- Ugh! I even promised myself that I wouldn't do that. -sigh-

Yes, that has been part of my week, or I guess mostly a major issue that's been going on for the last thirteen months of my life. -oh wow, how lame and I?-