As of Late

Well, I have recently come to the conclusion that there are many sides to a person. (Well I guess it wasn't really that recent, but it looks like I've rediscovered that fact.) The way they are when they are alone, how they are when others are around, or even how they are around different people.

For instance, I have a friend that's a little girl crazy, or at least he always has girls around him, and it always seems that he's flirting with each and every one of them. So at camp this last summer I noticed that whenever it was just him and I alone he was one way, then when we were in a group he was another way, and when I'd see him alone he'd act another way. So which one is the real him? Will I ever know? I mean I love him to death. Probably more than he'll ever know, but still. He's not the same person around everyone. I just want to know how he really is. Okay so a little off topic. He just doesn't have the same personality around me as he does when he's with other people. I don't know what it is. Is there just something that I don't know about that I should? Or is it something else?Please tell me these things!! I NEED to know!!

Even when we're talking on the phone, there's just something between us that I sense. He's quiet for long periods of time. I hardly talk, and when I do I always feel like I'm talking too much. I don't know if it's just me that feels that way, but I do. I guess it could just be me and my self consciousness, but who knows better than the people I talk to via telephono! (Hah, nice use of Spanish there. :P)

So a text was just sent to a few people that I talk to on the phone and so far one answer: No not at all.

Looks like at least one person doesn't think so.

I guess it's just me that does. I mean I try not to talk a whole lot, but sometimes I just need someone to listen to me about my rantings. Hmm... I guess that's what this blog is for. Not only can I get everything out at one time, but I can get it out and not be interrupted. So I don't know. I'm not much of a phone talker, but when people do call I guess I'm either super quiet or I think I talk too much.

So on another note. I moved stuff from my sister's storage shed today with my dad and brother-in-law. That was pretty fun, and I got a guitar out of it. So I spent most of my day after church doing that, and then when I got home I watched a lovely video that my friend Kelli posted to our joint YouTube account. For the video go to http://www.youtube.com/TenMilesUphill her's is the one in the box that says Week Two. Mine is the Week One video.

Well looks like that all I have for now. I shall update you later.

Much love from the Kattster!!

Keeping Me Alive

Why is it so hard to tell you what's on my mind? I mean it's not like it's hard to tell anyone else, just you. It's like when you're around all my worlds fall away. You make me speechless. You make me think. You make me love again. When words fail actions speak. The way I am around you, it's not the way I am. It's like when I get around you I change into a different person. I'm actually myself. I'm actually normal.

Is it that I don't trust you? Or is it that I'm just scared of the answer that you're going to give we when my questions come up? Why can't I just tell you what's on my mind? Everything is just harder with you. Things don't flow like I'd like them to.

Even though everything is a little harder with you, I still love you. You are my everything. My best friend. My other half. The peanut butter to my jelly. The bagel to my cream cheese. The duck to my water. The sun to my sky. You are everything and more. You are my everything. You are keeping me alive.

New Year?

Well it looks like it's the new year, and I don't know what to do or think. I've got no one to spend it with, and nothing to do. It's 1:41 am, as I glance down at the clock in the corner of the computer screen. The only thing that I've been doing is talking to a crush I know I can never have the chance of being with. He knows kind of how I feel about him, but not really all of it. And am I going to tell him? HECK TO THE NOO!!!! He's older than I am and things would bever ever work out for us, right now anyway. They may eventually, but definitely not right now. I mean he's a great guy, and a great friend, but the age difference is something that would not work right now.

Anyway, I've been talking to him all night, and I plan on seeing him sometime tomorrow while my friend and I film our New Year's video! That should be fun and something to keep my mind off of things.

You know how I got a journal for Christmas? Well I find that this helps me get my thoughts and emotions out a lot better than the journal. It's just so pretty and unflawed that it kind of makes me wish that I was that way. You know? Just something that's nice to look at and just perfect in every way. But that's what life is, right? Just one big journal to write in, mess up, and scribble all over. That's the way I feel sometimes. That I myself am something that people like to use and mess up, and when they're done they just toss me aside and move on to the next thing. It's like no one will ever come along to fix me, and make me feel whole again. In due time, right? Yeah, that's what people are always telling me. "You just need to wait 'til it's your time" or, "Just a little longer." Maybe I don't want to wait any longer. Maybe I want that person now! Huh. Oh well. Looks like I have to wait like everybody else.

Any who, I didn't mean to really make this a rant of a bunh of different things, but yeah I just had to get it out in the open.
But the cat is telling me it's time to go to bed, so it looks like I'm off for the night.

Good night to all!